Today I celebrate the one we all knew and loved as Kathy Cramer. Today would have been her 70th birthday. Today I celebrate what she brought into my life and how she changed my world. And today I celebrate the new life I am creating, made possible in part, through the grief work I have done through my writing. With that, I am choosing to share the following piece written one year ago today. My broken heart then, has given way to my open heart today….and it is filled with her love, with your love and it all adds to the love I am bringing into this world……
They Say It’s Your Birthday
Written last year on October 19, 2016
I have the candles lit for you. I have your pillows stacked just like you like them. I have the quiet music playing and the dogs snuggled next to me. We are all waiting, this is all waiting just for you Kathryn.
In my head the Beatles are playing their song “They say it’s your birthday”, happy birthday to you Kathycramer!! You came into this world on October 19th and forever set in motion a ripple of grace and positive energy that was so needed and continues to move through all of us in ways you never imagined.
On July 13th you had a rebirth day, leaving this world, returning to the world of spirit and slipping back into the Collective Consciousness. I can only imagine the welcome you received as you made that transition.
It is strangely peaceful to consider what that welcome must have been like and what you are now experiencing as a result. Holding that focus certainly takes me away from the deep sense of loss I feel without you being right here. Kath, I so much loved our time together and cherish the joy, the happiness, the love, the growth, the laughter, the fun, the making it up together and the friendship that we had with each other. I do know what unconditional love is because you came into my life. I do know what it feels like to love another without holding back a single ounce of myself.
The fact that you are no longer here in physical form is still so surreal for me. It is still not easy to accept and it just doesn’t seem that it could even be possible. When I can get clear in my mind, I am able to go back to a fundamental belief that I have developed that says we each choose the time we will leave the physical plane. You’ve made your choice. I do not like it. I do not believe it. I do not want to have to deal with it.
And here I am, sitting in this bed without you by my side. I trust you know that you left without a doubt of your being at the top of your game. I trust you know about every statement of impact that people have written or spoken or felt. If this is an example of “leaving on your own terms”, then I get it and I see how that could be a part of this.
My terms were far from met considering what I saw for us over the next 30 years. I know you saw that too. I know you were as excited as I to be moving into a new phase. There was still so much we had imagined for the two of us together. I am having a hard time getting my mind around going forward without you Kathryn. I loved living life together with you. I loved being able to make it up together. That was the best part for me.
You came into my life so unexpectedly. You changed my experience of the world, of what it could be like to love another and be loved. You opened a world of grace and beauty and elegance on so many levels and in so many ways. And I know I have to get to your question: so, now what?
I can’t answer that just in this moment. I have glimpses and I know the answers will begin to come.
For now, I am being present with this deep deep longing to have you by my side. To feel your touch, to taste your lips, to smell your hair, to see your bright eyes and to hear your whisper in my ear saying “I love you johndavis”.
I miss you Kath, I miss you with all my being. I long to be able to tell you that. Even though I know you know, I still want you right here with me. I want my Kathycramer back.
